This is Mental Health Awareness week, and while I believe there is definitely much more awareness of the condition, there’s quite simply not enough acceptance. Read More
I feel like my medication has stopped working.
In fact, It’s as though I am back at square one with all the emotional stuff. Annnndddd… to add insult to injury I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my entire life. WTF! Read More
What happens on those down days? How do your drag yourself out of the pits of darkness?
Oftentimes when I’m feeling particularly low and alone in my thoughts, I wonder how other people cope with feeling that way. I have a few little tricks that work for me, and they all pretty much involve getting down on the floor and playing with my son. But I wonder how other people help themselves. Do they have people they can talk to? Do they allow themselves the time to wallow in their deep, sunken thoughts and come out of it in their own time. I wonder.
Writing has definitely been a massive help in my quest for a level head and a happy heart. It has allowed all of the crazy and often irrational thoughts to come out and ultimately be released from my overflowing brain. I don’t always share those thoughts… in fact most of them will remain safely tucked away within the confines of my notebook. But it does help me. Massively in fact.
I also find that immersing myself in a good and thought provoking book is good therapy. This doesn’t have to be any specific genre… just something that speaks to me. Right now I’m enjoying The Life Changing Magic of Tidying. This might be funny to be some people but it’s providing me with the tools I need to remove the clutter from my home as well as my head.
Another book that I reach for is Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. I can’t recommend this book enough. No matter how I’m feeling, whether that be sad, lonely, overwhelmed… The words written on these pages are so cathartic. Even other worldly.
Music as well. What a wonderful joy it is to have this amazing tool at our disposal. I can simply “ask Alexa” and she will deliver any and every song I need to hear at that moment. You might be interested to hear that my ultimate song at this moment is Stormzy, ‘Blinded By Your Grace’. If you haven’t heard then get yourself over to Spotify and give it a listen! Thank me later!
Anyway, these are just some thoughts I’ve been having on this Monday morning. Carry on.
A few weeks ago I wrote about my experience with anxiety.
It’s a fairly new concept to me and so it’s not something I’ve been able to get on board with 100% yet.
I visited my GP and he was wonderful. We spoke & he prescribed me a minimal dosage Anti-Depressant. It’s been almost 8 weeks on them now and despite there being a few minor improvements, nothing else has really gotten any better.
My sleep issues have certainly become a less frequent problem and most nights I am able to fall asleep without too much time spent staring at the ceiling. As well as this I have found that my emotions have been kept much more at bay. I could usually cry several times a day, at adverts, tv shows, my son smiling… you name it! But I’ve found that since starting this course of medication, that this isn’t really happening that often, which if I’m being completely honest has made me really sad.
I didn’t want help to fix that part of me. I’ve lived comfortably with that aspect of my personality for years now and it was a part of me that my husband and my family often found the most endearing. I feel like it was the compassionate part of me that displayed my emotional side so openly, and now I feel like I’m losing that.
The part I wanted to get rid of, the heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching, soul-wrenching pain and anxiety, is still there…
But still holding on with both hands in the dark background of my mind. I just wonder if I go back to my GP and tell him this, that he will want to increase my dosage and I will not only have given in to my anxiety entirely, but I’ll lose every emotional aspect of my personality entirely!
How do you know what to do in a situation like that?
Is it my overall mental well-being that is the priority or the parts of my brain that make me who I am???
I honestly don’t know… And it is such a conflict and inner turmoil I feel right now.
I didn’t know whether or not to share in this aspect of my life, but decided after some thought, that it’s better to share and maybe help somebody else going through the same thing, much like I’ve done with my sons Autism journey.
So, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before but since Matthew was born, I’ve found that I’m not quite so good at handling my emotions and keeping control of my mood. I have anxiety almost all the time and in particular I have quite severe separation anxiety when it comes to my boy.
My down days were becoming much more frequent than my up days and so after almost 2 years of feeling this way and not being able to fix it myself, I made an appointment with my GP and spoke to him about it.
To say I was nervous for my appointment would be an understatement.
I was literally shaking so hard my voice was trembling.
At the time I was so confused with the way my body was reacting, but on reflection I think it was more to do with admitting I had a problem, out loud, and to a stranger no less.
My doctor couldn’t have been more supportive.
Within ten minutes, and after asking me several questions, he diagnosed me with Anxiety disorder and P.T.S.D (from our time spend in the NICU with our son).
He acknowledged that I had tried to sort the problem myself, but agreed that it was time for some ‘medical intervention’ and so we discussed the idea of anti-depressants.
This was an idea that I wasn’t keen on, for no other reason than I didn’t want to have to rely on a pill to balance out my mood… As well as the fact that I didn’t actually feel depressed as such!
But after careful consideration and a lot of back and forth between he and I, we decided that it would be a good idea to at least try it.
My biggest problem is when I go to bed at night I can’t switch off from my life. It’s when my anxiety is at it’s worst, and so he prescribed me an anti-depressant that would help specifically with calming me down and letting my brain settle.
It’s been over 2 weeks and I’m not feeling too different yet, however after years of struggling to get to sleep, sometimes for hours at night, I have been able to fall asleep faster and for longer.
You will only understand this if you too suffer from stress-induced insomnia, but it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I feel refreshed in the morning and much more awake throughout the day, and I now look forward to going to bed at night as opposed to dreading staring at the ceiling for hours with all my thoughts!
It’s still early days for all of the other issues I have, but I am ever so optimistic and will keep you posted.