This is Mental Health Awareness week, and while I believe there is definitely much more awareness of the condition, there’s quite simply not enough acceptance. Read More
I feel like my medication has stopped working.
In fact, It’s as though I am back at square one with all the emotional stuff. Annnndddd… to add insult to injury I’m more exhausted than I’ve ever been in my entire life. WTF! Read More
Do you ever have moments of clarity, where you realise everything is good in life?
This is not to say that we don’t have difficulties, we do. But for once, in what seems like a while, all is good in the world. There are no family dramas, in fact I’d go so far as to say that all of my relationships within the family are perfect at the minute. There’s no issues in my marriage – not that there often is – but I am so in love and so content with the man I married. My son is health and happy, despite the ever-looming Autism diagnosis hanging over our heads. My anxiety medication is working and keeping me on an even keel with my emotions, something that I genuinely thought would NEVER happen. And despite everything not being 100% PERFECT 100% of the time, I am happy.
These moments don’t come along that often, as being a serial over-analyser of every situation and scenario, I have grown accustomed to finding faults with almost every aspect of my life. However, in the last few weeks I have definitely found myself to be much more capable of letting the little things go and making the most of the positives, something I have been working on for a very long time. It’s not been easy, but it’s been worth it.
So that’s my thoughts for today, as random as they were. Do you ever experience moments like this? Are you able to let the little thing slide? Let me know in the comments lovelies, and have a fab day! 🙂
What happens on those down days? How do your drag yourself out of the pits of darkness?
Oftentimes when I’m feeling particularly low and alone in my thoughts, I wonder how other people cope with feeling that way. I have a few little tricks that work for me, and they all pretty much involve getting down on the floor and playing with my son. But I wonder how other people help themselves. Do they have people they can talk to? Do they allow themselves the time to wallow in their deep, sunken thoughts and come out of it in their own time. I wonder.
Writing has definitely been a massive help in my quest for a level head and a happy heart. It has allowed all of the crazy and often irrational thoughts to come out and ultimately be released from my overflowing brain. I don’t always share those thoughts… in fact most of them will remain safely tucked away within the confines of my notebook. But it does help me. Massively in fact.
I also find that immersing myself in a good and thought provoking book is good therapy. This doesn’t have to be any specific genre… just something that speaks to me. Right now I’m enjoying The Life Changing Magic of Tidying. This might be funny to be some people but it’s providing me with the tools I need to remove the clutter from my home as well as my head.
Another book that I reach for is Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. I can’t recommend this book enough. No matter how I’m feeling, whether that be sad, lonely, overwhelmed… The words written on these pages are so cathartic. Even other worldly.
Music as well. What a wonderful joy it is to have this amazing tool at our disposal. I can simply “ask Alexa” and she will deliver any and every song I need to hear at that moment. You might be interested to hear that my ultimate song at this moment is Stormzy, ‘Blinded By Your Grace’. If you haven’t heard then get yourself over to Spotify and give it a listen! Thank me later!
Anyway, these are just some thoughts I’ve been having on this Monday morning. Carry on.
Sitting down at my desk to write this post, and I’m not entirely sure as to how much I’m going to share. I don’t want it to be one of those “woe me” posts but I also don’t want it to be a ridiculously happy and fake one either.
So I’ll just take a swing at it and hope that it all comes out making some kind of sense.
I’ve been an over-emotional person my entire life.
This is no surprise to my friends and family at all, in fact it’s old news.
So when I fell pregnant with my son, I felt every ounce of hormone changes in every possible way. It was a whirlwind of mood swings, over-bearing love and eventually anger at my body for what happened.
It was obviously heightened considerably during my sons hospital stay and it’s had its peaks and troughs throughout this last 2 years.
It’s something that I’ve always dealt with myself and never thought about getting help with. However, known only to close friends and family, it all came to a head a few months ago.
I’ve never been able to control it, but I’ve always found that I’ve been able to cope. This changed when my sons “Autism” symptoms became more and more apparent. I found that instead of crying a couple of times a day at random adverts or songs I’d listen to, that I was flying off the handle and getting aggressively angry at the tiniest of things. I’d be filled with so much anxiety that I didn’t want to leave the house. I felt like everyone was looking at me, judging me… thinking the worst of me. On the rare occasions I did venture out I’d have panic attacks, and if I was without my husband and son it would be even worse. I wouldn’t go so far as to say my thoughts were venturing towards anything dark or that I was a danger to myself, but there were certainly moments where I thought somebody else would do a better job with my son than I could. I felt worthless.
So I got help.
It wasn’t easy to ask for it, but it was necessary and fortunately my doctor was brilliant.
He diagnosed me with Anxiety Disorder and PTSD (this in particular was a result of life in the NICU). He prescribed a small dose of anti-anxiety medication for me and after several months I can say for sure that it has made a world of difference.
I feel much more level headed about life in general and feel like I am capable of facing any problems we have full on and without fear.
This doesn’t mean I’m “cured“. Not at all. In fact, this last fortnight has been a real struggle, but I’m always hopeful that tomorrow will be better.
I’m sharing this because I’ve done my research. Mental Health, even in 2018, is still such a taboo subject. Being told you just have to “get on with it” is such an ignorant and old fashioned way of thinking. We are all built differently, and what works for some doesn’t necessarily work for others.
Being a mum is the most wonderful and rewarding aspect of my life. I mean it wholeheartedly. But it’s hard.
I only have my son to base this on, but he is 100 miles an hour, every waking moment of the day. The only reason I’m able to write this is because he’s playing in his playpen – and by playing I mean he’s throwing all of his toys out of it onto the floor and screaming at me to give them back so he can do it again. Peppa Pig is both a life-saver and a curse. I hate her because she is obnoxious beyond reason, but she gives me half an hour of rest-bite throughout the day to get things done, so she can stay. He hates his playpen with a passion, but if I need it otherwise my trips to the toilet would result in the utter destruction of every precious and breakable item in my home.
I’m not the perfect mum, not by any measure. I have flaws and I struggle like everyone else, but I think it’s about time we were able to admit it without all of the judgement and calls for public flogging.
Just some thoughts I had on this dreary morning. I’m now away to lift my screaming child out of his playpen and watch him in awe while he tears my livingroom apart in 30 seconds.
In my last update I told you all how Matthew had responded so well to his song bag that we were set another challenge of getting him to engage without the use of songs/ singing.
It definitely was a challenge but we knew what we had only one thing to work with, Matthews love of playing with balls. Other than his songs, this is the only thing that really grabs his attention, and in all honesty the only toy he has the time of day for.
So his dad set out to make a game out of Matthew giving dad his ball, dad saying “Ready, one, two three”… all the while Matthew has to maintain eye contact and wait patiently for his dad to spin the ball.
As reported in my last post about this, it was a success, and I’m happy to say we have been able to maintain this with lots of hard-work and concentration from my boy.
So I should be happy shouldn’t I?
But I am so far from it.
All I feel right now is frustration. Total and utter frustration.
It all seems to be moving at such a slow pace, and even though I am fully aware that there are no overnight miracles, I just feel like we are hardly any further than we were away at the beginning of this journey.
And the worst part is that I feel so selfish for feeling this way.
I’m not stupid.. I know how hard this has been for my son… And I know how hard he works at the tasks and challenges we give him.
I just wish it wasn’t so complicated and so drawn out.
I was out with my family today and we took Matthew and his big cousin to our local Soft-play, a place Matthew generally hasn’t been a fan of in the past, but I thought we’d give it another try.
Fortunately, my boy handled the environment so much better than he had before, opting to play in a corner by himself of course, but unfazed by the noise and hoards of sweating, screaming children around him.
I find that as long as he has a little corner in any room hes in, he can contain his anxiety and generally doesn’t notice anything going on around about him.
I was so proud. This was such a big deal, and I know these milestones are very worthy of that pride.
But that lovely, warm feeling in my tummy dispersed quickly when I saw (and heard) a little toddler chatting to his mum. He was younger than Matthew and he was asking his mum for “a drink”… and then if he could “get a snack”… and finally the killer blow… he gripped onto her and said “love you mummy”.
It was like taking a bullet to the heart.
And of course this was followed with unwanted irrational thoughts and questions that started whirling around in my head.
“Is he just much more intelligent than Matthew!?”
“Are we doing something to hinder his development!?”
“Will he ever speak!?”
“What if he never speaks!?”
I was so disappointed with myself for thinking it, and for dismissing the amazingly prideful moment my boy had given me.
But, being honest with myself, I am so scared that we won’t ever reach those bigger milestones. That I won’t ever hear him tell me he loves me. It hurts my heart to even type those words.
How do I get over this… What do I do???
A few weeks ago I wrote about my experience with anxiety.
It’s a fairly new concept to me and so it’s not something I’ve been able to get on board with 100% yet.
I visited my GP and he was wonderful. We spoke & he prescribed me a minimal dosage Anti-Depressant. It’s been almost 8 weeks on them now and despite there being a few minor improvements, nothing else has really gotten any better.
My sleep issues have certainly become a less frequent problem and most nights I am able to fall asleep without too much time spent staring at the ceiling. As well as this I have found that my emotions have been kept much more at bay. I could usually cry several times a day, at adverts, tv shows, my son smiling… you name it! But I’ve found that since starting this course of medication, that this isn’t really happening that often, which if I’m being completely honest has made me really sad.
I didn’t want help to fix that part of me. I’ve lived comfortably with that aspect of my personality for years now and it was a part of me that my husband and my family often found the most endearing. I feel like it was the compassionate part of me that displayed my emotional side so openly, and now I feel like I’m losing that.
The part I wanted to get rid of, the heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching, soul-wrenching pain and anxiety, is still there…
But still holding on with both hands in the dark background of my mind. I just wonder if I go back to my GP and tell him this, that he will want to increase my dosage and I will not only have given in to my anxiety entirely, but I’ll lose every emotional aspect of my personality entirely!
How do you know what to do in a situation like that?
Is it my overall mental well-being that is the priority or the parts of my brain that make me who I am???
I honestly don’t know… And it is such a conflict and inner turmoil I feel right now.