Letter To My Son

in autism, Lifestyle, 30th August 2017

Dear Matthew,

It is a cold and dreary August day that I am writing this. It occurred to me when I was thinking about what I was going to write, that you may not be able to read it. That thought made me very sad, but I know that you will be surrounded by people who love you and are willing to read it to you so I think it’s still important to say what I want to say.

Before you came along, daddy and I had tried ever so hard and for such a long time to have children. There was a lot of heartache in our lives and for such a long time, we didn’t think it would ever be possible.

We made peace with that fact. We knew that our love for each other was so strong that we would be able to live a happy life together, just us two.

I still firmly believe that to be true. Your daddy is the best person I have ever known, and I can’t imagine spending my life with anybody else. He is truly my soulmate.

However, after succumbing to the fact that it would indeed be, just us two, we were given the miraculous news that we were in fact expecting you.

Matthew I will never be able to put into words how I felt at that moment. It was so beautiful and so monumental that it is a moment I will remember until my dying day.

I first felt you kick on the day that I became 20 weeks pregnant. It was a tiny flutter in response to some music I was playing to you through earphones on my tummy, and to this day I still wonder if it were a good or bad response to my music choice.

On the evening of August 14th at 23 weeks pregnant I went into labour with you.

My body failed both of us. This is something that I will never forgive myself for.

You were born 5 days later, small, fragile and fighting for your life.

My brain couldn’t process that you were here and my baby, i’ll be honest. It took me a few days, even weeks to feel a real connection to you. But when it did eventually happen it was like the planets had all aligned and I was tasked with being your keeper and protector.

You were my sole thought all day… every day!

I yearned to take you home and be able to hold you in my arms for hours on end without having to ask permission. It hurt my heart every night when I had to leave you.

When we eventually were able to take you home, I felt my heart swell and I maintain that it was quite simply the happiest moment of my life. You were finally mine and daddy’s. It was bliss.

Over the months you grew to be the most beautiful and happy baby I had ever come across.

Your smile would seriously light up a room, and despite it being a much less frequent thing now, it still does.

I cried when you crawled for the first time. I cried when you walked for the first time. I cried when you uttered “dada” for the first time. I cried when you uttered “mama” for the first time.

I cried and continue to cry happy tears for all the “firsts” in your life.

I am so immensely proud of you that there are no words worthy of the emotion.

You are so clever and so cheeky, and I truly am gobsmacked by how much of your daddy I see in you every day. It makes me happy to know that you are mimicking so much of his personality, because it means that you will grow to be the best kind of person just like him.

I love you with every fibre of my being and I will continue to do so until I take my last breath on this earth.

Keep being as special as you are my wonderful boy.

Mummy x



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