Midnight Thoughts

I’ve been lying in bed for the past couple of hours, trying to settle my very upset and out-of-character toddler, and I’ve been thinking about what lies ahead of us.

Nobody knows what the future has in store anyway, but for a mum of a medically fragile little boy on the spectrum, it’s really quite frightening.

Matthew is only 2 right now and so the full extent of his condition is very much unknown, but it doesn’t stop you thinking about the worst case scenario.

Right now he is non-verbal. He has no level of communication whatsoever, but not only that, he has no level of understanding either. He’s smart in so many ways but not when it comes to this.

What if that never changes? What does this mean for his future?

Asking this opens a massive can of worms which, if I’m being honest, I just can’t face dealing with right now.

Despite being an optimistic person, I’ve found that since Matthew was born, I’ve coped easier with convincing myself it is always the worst case scenario in everything he’s faced.

It gives me the opportunity to fully prepare for all eventualities if indeed things are at their very worst. However, on the rare occasions where it hasn’t been as bad as I initially perceived it to be, it’s been a pleasant and unexpected surprise.

I’m sure I share the same stresses and worries as every other special needs parent. It’s not an easy thing to watch your child, who you love more than life, struggle so much with the world around them. It’s heartbreaking in fact. But it’s our reality and it is just the way of it. If anything, it makes me love him even more, if that’s even possible.

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